I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
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Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
*cough*
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs