MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
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If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Encore…
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”