best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
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Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg