*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
You Might Also Like
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?