Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
You Might Also Like
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I found your tweet-up…
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
the only organized thing in my life is crime
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?