Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
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Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.