TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
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doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs