Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
You Might Also Like
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
*serious situation*
My brain:
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it