Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
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“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Geez man, take it easy.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Thrilling chase underway
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup