Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
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[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”