Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
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No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
😜
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???