Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
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“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Namaste
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free