[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
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[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
#polloftheday
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”