people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
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*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again