Time for evil
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You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Remember folks 😂
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.