I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
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As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.