ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
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DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Not all heroes wear capes…
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
@ candidates for local office
Only a mother’s love …