[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I created you as mosquito food.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby