[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
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I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
…..pretty much.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.