me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
You Might Also Like
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
What my back needs
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”