You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
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Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.