showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
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If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
it’s finally my moment to shine
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes