I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
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The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
(Gaming support cat.)
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.