*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
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Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family