I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I can’t stop watching this.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.