“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
You Might Also Like
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Mornin
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…