Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
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him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.