According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
HELP 😭
🥶🥶🐶🐶
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No