My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
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I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph