I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
You Might Also Like
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
All set.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.