Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
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I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!