On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
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ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Rooting for the overdog
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
That’s not how days work.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.