Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
You Might Also Like
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.