There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
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Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
How software testing works
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.