“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
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“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”