My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
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Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time