Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”