luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
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wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course