It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
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baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.