Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
You Might Also Like
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*