luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
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[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
The Weeknd is back
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.