Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
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Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Hey I worked for it too!
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
This is painfully accurate 😅
He just like my cat fr
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.