“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
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Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.