Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
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[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”