To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
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Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created