Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
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Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
They got Raph!
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
A woman drives into a bar.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.