Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
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was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.