Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
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Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I’m Sold!
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?