My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
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Lmaoo 😂
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.