Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
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One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.